You're NOT going to Splashy Fen? What the hell is wrong with you? God, you make me sick. Get out of my sight.
This year is going to be one of the best by far, mostly because Durban bands are being fully represented in all their glory, as opposed to being relegated to the sub-standard free stage. All kudos to the highly devoted Dave from Burn nightclub, who has secured sponsorship for the main marquee on Thursday and Friday night - he's organised a world-class lineup, and if you're not there supporting hard I promise there will be a severe plague apon your campsite.
A plague of drunk guys, hundreds of them, naked, puking and falling all over your tents, fighting each other, blowing vuvuzelas and finally passing out on top of your girlfriend. You've been warned. Prevent this catastrophic bokjol from happening to you, by attending the following gigs on Friday:
18:00 Go! Go! Bronco
19:00 Private Republic
20:00 Habit To
21:00 The Living Alarm
22:00 The Tubby Wilsons
23:00 The Kiff
Say no more.
However, don't think it's completely inflexible! There will be amnesty granted for those caught watching Bed On Bricks at the Grant Erskine stage, 21:15.
Further browsing of the program reveals the following little punk gems will be performing on Sunday night, and are highly recommended:
20:00 Sheep Down
21:00 The City Bowl Mizers
But how to make a decision between the main marquee, and the lineup on the Grant Erskine stage in the overlapping slots?!
20:15 New Academics
22:30 DNA Strings
Tough call for someone who's into punk music AND the funky, alternative stylings of these top national groups.
A real treat this year will be the comedian Glen Bo as MC on the main stage, officially kicking off his solo comedy show "Why we love Kurt Cobain and hate Jerry Springer!?". You remember him of course, because you were there at The Twisted Lemon, for his warm-up show last year. Remember?
You weren't there? Jeez, do you ever get out?
Never mind. You can make up for it by parking off with us at our campsite, around the bonfire under the stars. We'll cook wors on a stick, drink flat cane and coke out a 2 litre bottle, laugh at the guy who forgot to bring his sleeping bag, tell jokes and make empty promises to wake up at sunrise for a swim in the river. It'll be sweet.
Awesome. But be careful.Here's a tip: Dry ice can make or break your Splashy experience. "Break it" if your mate decides to stick some down the front of your shirt while you're passed out drunk; but "make it" if it stays put in your cooler box keeping those beers and steaks frozen for the entire weekend. With regular ice, the only thing you'll have left by Saturday is a lukewarm and very stinky raw meat, cheese and biscuit stew fermenting at the bottom of your Coleman.
You have to pre-order the stuff. Check in the yellow pages, or online I found a Pinetown Ice website, the link is below.
Last year, nobody was selling ice of any form, apparently due to the sponsors (SAB) wanting to make more money from bar sales. Fuck them. Take your own booze, but remember, take cans! No glass allowed!
Oh, and there WILL be roadblocks. C'mon. You know that. Last year we hit one in Underberg on the Wednesday, a whole day before the festival was even scheduled to begin! Watch out! Everyone has a theory on where the best place for a marijuana stash is, but some I believe are particularly noteworthy; like for instance the inside of a chicken, or rolled into the middle of a piece of borewors. Get creative.
If you're feeling really gay this year; or you need a comfortable place for your frail-but-festival-loving 85 year old grandmother, there are now semi-luxury 'tent hotels' offering bed and breakfast plus separate ablution facilities, as well as motor-home thingies for hire. But who cares. Anyone I know who would dare to set foot into such a monstrosity would be taunted mercilessly by all the real campers. Do so at your own risk!
Get your tickets early, it's much cheaper. Just pop round to your local Game, they're available normally from the customer service section.
SEE YOU THERE!!
Splashy Fen Website
The durbanscouts.za.net review and pics of Splashy 2006
Dry Ice safety tips
Glen Bo comedy