Reports of a humongous fireball engulfing Durban’s Bluff area last night have set the city alight with conspiracy stories, gossip and rumour. It seems that for each citizen there is a different theory, each more bizarre than the last. And no, it wasn’t the Ethiopian Zion Coptic Church’s annual Bongfest. That was last Tuesday.
‘It was the fuckin’ 28’s my bra, I’m tuning you – dees ou’s are getting’ da bombs from PAGAD an’ taking out all da udder gengstaz so dey ken get dare own guzzies into the Wenties area an’ make a crown by being da new merchies. Firs’ wazza zol anna buttons, an’ now issa tikalicious, y’check. Tunin’ you, outie’ said Bekkies Greyboy, a Fynnlands resident who has sold two buck slopes in the area since he was knee-high to an O.G.
‘Hey man, who can say what kind, eh? My guzzy there by the docks, Babs Sugarmooney, he’s been grafting there by that jol so long, he reckon no, man, wazza Ayincee, they don’t smaak the heavy vitou larneys having all the best pozzies by the harbour, right. Dey wanna blow up alla industry, so them and they guzzies can make a lukka new Bluff Waterpoint, right? Doze ou’s are a naaiers.’
‘Ja my bra, wazzose bladdy appies in ver machine shop at Island View, hey.’ said Wayne Gravy, a fitter and turner from Seaview who has lived in the area since Stuyvesant Red were R 1.40 a pack. ‘Dose appies, dey’ve got fokkol to do, bra. So da ou’s just sommer take a socket spanner anna zol and park cheesy and klap a pipe, like, you check. Sometime a ou’s gets so goofed dey forgot to put out da pipe, an then a fire jus’ went bos, hey. Ja…’
Steadford Uphill, a resident of Morningside’s posh Mentone Road, was of the opinion that the blaze was ‘Merely a consequence of the general conflagration which is affecting the very fabric of our post-millenial society. Hardly surprising, really, considering the malaise which has set the shantytowns ablaze far and wide. Was bound to spread to the industrial areas. National keypoint, y’know, wouldn’t be surprised if it was the work of some disgruntled ex-MK terrs, taking advantage of the position. Could be seen from far and wide, y’know. Hmm. Going to the dogs, this country, y’know. Hmm. Not cricket.’
Mitzi Musgrave, a (predictably enough) Musgrave Road resident, said her shitzu Sparkle had alerted her to the blaze with her ‘Fuckin’ yapping, darl, I mean, jeezlaak – ah’ve neever in mah life heard her make such a bladdy recket, ya know? She wuz jus’ goween mental, babes, mental. Up aggenst the windah, y’know, yappeen lahk a bleddy med thing. Rooned mah dinner pawdie.’
As the flames die down and the smoke begins to clear over the Bluff this morning, this much is clear – there is no common consensus on the source of the blaze, but that doesn’t mean the citizens of Durban are holding back on the theories. The last word (and quite possibly the most lucid) on the matter was from Netcare 911 spokesman Chris Botha who said: “It’s burning like hell.” Sage words indeed.